Part of the reason I became a children’s and young person’s therapist is because of my own childhood experiences of emotional abuse and neglect, but also by my lived experience of being an adult who needed therapy myself, to be be able to connect with my inner child. I know what it feels like to carry things that are far too heavy for a child to hold, and I know what it is like to sit across from a therapist and try to make sense of experiences that you don't yet have the words to understand
Wrapped up in the emotional abuse I suffered were deep feelings of shame, guilt, rejection and abandonment. I suffered in silence and, without even realising it, became increasingly withdrawn. I didn’t want to let anyone in or allow anyone to truly get to know me. Over time, I became accustomed to wearing a mask — showing people only the parts of myself I wanted them to see, while keeping the rest hidden safely behind it.
I kept my thoughts and feelings to myself, slowly building an impenetrable wall around me to protect myself from being hurt again. As I grew into adulthood, those feelings only became more deeply rooted. I found myself sabotaging relationships whenever I felt someone was getting too close. I would push people away before they had the chance to reject or abandon me. If I ended things first, at least I was in control of the hurt.
Coming to terms with my own childhood has been one of the most difficult parts of my journey. There is something profoundly painful about looking back at your younger self and recognising just how much he suffered, how much he endured, and how little he deserved any of it. Those childhood experiences had a lasting impact on the person I became as an adult.
For a long time, I struggled to reconcile that little boy with the adult I eventually became. I found myself carrying the effects of those experiences into adulthood in ways I didn't always understand. I struggled with relationships. I struggled to trust people. I struggled to believe that I could be truly known without being hurt, rejected or let down. Most of all, I struggled to let people get close to me. I struggled to understand how those experiences had shaped the way I related to others and viewed myself. Keeping people at a distance felt safer than allowing myself to be vulnerable.
Looking back, I can see how much of the person I became was shaped by the ways I had learned to survive as a child. Becoming a therapist has, in many ways, been part of learning to understand that child rather than judge the adult he became. My own experience of therapy has shown me the profound difference it can make when someone is willing to sit with you in the most difficult parts of your story, without judgement, without trying to fix you, and simply help you make sense of what happened. I know how powerful it can be when, for perhaps the first time, someone notices, listens and says, in whatever way they can, you don't have to carry this alone anymore.
When a child or young person sits in front of me, I strive to offer them the empathy, compassion and understanding needed to build a safe and trusting therapeutic relationship. Whilst we may share similar experiences, I recognise that every individual’s story is unique. I want each young person to feel seen, heard and accepted for who they truly are, without judgement or expectation.
Becoming a children and young people’s therapist has been one of the most meaningful and rewarding experiences of my life. In many ways, this work has also been part of my own healing journey, allowing me to find meaning in my experiences and use them to deepen my understanding of the young people I support.
There is something incredibly powerful about building a therapeutic relationship in which a young person feels safe enough to explore their emotions, develop coping strategies and begin to accept themselves for who they are. To be able to walk alongside them as they navigate their difficulties, discover their strengths and develop a greater sense of self-worth is a privilege I will never take for granted.
I cannot go back and give my younger self the support I needed, but I can offer that support to the children and young people who sit in front of me today. My childhood experiences have shaped parts of who I am, but they have also strengthened my commitment to ensuring that young people feel heard, understood and accepted. I hope that, through the relationships I build, I can help them recognise that their experiences do not define them, that they are worthy of compassion, and that they do not have to navigate their difficulties alone.
Jay practices from Sunrise Wellbeing in Groby, Leicester on a Friday. View Jay’s profile here.